Got a baby on the way and wondering what to expect in the parenting stakes?
Or perhaps you’re already the owner of a small person or two and fancy a laugh? Either way, read on!
If you’re a regular follower of the blog you’ll know I like to tell it how it is, and after it emerged Prince Harry is having meditation lessons to prepare for fatherhood I simply couldn’t resist piping up.
Now, it’s not that I’ve got anything against meditation per se, but when it comes to parenthood I’m not quite sure how helpful meditation is going to be when the sh*t quite literally hits the fan and life suddenly gets very real. Walking around with Lego in your shoes, trying to complete a supermarket shop while constantly repeating ‘don’t touch‘ and locking yourself in the loo for two minutes peace and quiet is probably more like it.
So, I asked some fellow parenting bloggers for their no-holes-barred top tips on how to best to prepare for parenthood and here’s what they said.
15 brutally honest ways to prepare for parenthood without losing the plot
1. “Cook your dinner, then leave it to cool completely before attempting to eat it left handed whilst bouncing up and down holding a bag of potatoes (your fake baby) and shushing between bites,” says Hayley aka Devon Mama. “Eat two mouthfuls and stop. Repeat for months. Same with any hot drink.”
2. “Invite some people round to come and stand in the bathroom whilst you try to shower or bath,” says Jess at Tantrums to Smiles. “Once you have kids you will never be able to wash alone again without a toddler wanting to get in or your child desperately needing the toilet as soon as your bottom touches the bath!”
3. “Set your alarm to go off five times throughout the night,” says Jenny who blogs at TraveLynn Family. “If you really want to train yourself hard, set it for every 45 minutes.”
4. “Plan for and cook a wonderful, nutritious meal then watch the recipient of the meal stare at it, push it away, play with it and squash it into the carpet, before giving up and reaching for the potato waffles,” says Jennie who blogs at Rice Cakes and Raisins.
5. “Never go to the toilet alone and always take your partner along with you, who should tell suitably long winded stories about nothing,” says Jenny of Monkey and Mouse. “Then together turn around to examine the contents of the toilet and decide on what shape the poo appears to have formed into.”
6. “Put a ban on all grown up television – you will need to learn to love mindless noisy obnoxious children’s TV for the rest of time,” warns Kate at Ever After With Kids.
7. “Get someone to sit in the back of your car and either scream ‘are we nearly there yet?’ or declare ‘I need the toilet’ on a loop,” says Erica at The Incidental Parent.
8. “Take all the lids off everything in your house and randomly throw them around or store them in small girls bags and drawers with no relevance to said product,” says Clare at Wild Mama Wild Tribe. “Then remove all the batteries for the remotes and lose the remote backs. Finally throw away all the Tupperware boxes but keep the lids.”
9. “Practice running up and down supermarket aisles, grabbing stuff you think is on the list you left at home with one hand, and holding up an imaginary sleeping head/restraining a strong willed toddler with the other,” says Rachel who blogs at Kids, Cuddles & Muddy Puddles. “You’ll need these skills when you’ve left it too late to do an online shop, the milk, wine and bog roll supplies are at critical and you HAVE to brave the supermarket!”
10. “Take the contents of your draws and throw them around the house. Tidy said contents back up, then repeat three times a hour,” says Rebecca at Queen Bee Becca. “Double points for doing it with sticky jam hands or smearing cream cheese onto your sofa while getting everything out.”
11. “Try wrestling an octopus into a rear facing car seat,” advises Jennifer at Mighty Mama Bear.
12. “Allow your wife to practice hurling every form of verbal abuse at you during the weeks before so that you’re not super surprised in the spur of the moment,” suggests Liberty at Liberty on the Lighter Side.
13. “Ready your nostrils for the kind of smells that will become commonplace when baby begins to eat real food by journeying down to your local public toilets, entering a cubicle and sticking your head in the bin,” says Stuart at Father-Hood.
14. “Try going absolutely mental because your sleeves don’t fold EXACLTY at your elbow crease and when rolled up don’t look identical to each other,” says Emma at Ready Freddie Go. “To really make it authentic do it just before leaving the house before an important event.”
15. “Take a box of any cereal and sprinkle it around the house including in your slippers, any storage box, drawer, and yes make sure to include clothes drawers and the tea towel drawer too,” says Lynne at New Mummy Blog. “Feel free to add milk too if you’re feeling like you really want to prepare.”
I hope that’s put a smile on your face! Is there anything else you’d add?