Brace yourselves.
The chances are this post is going to make you laugh, make you cringe – and quite possibly both.
We all know there are many things they don’t tell you about parenting, like the funny things they don’t tell you about childbirth, the not-so-funny things they don’t tell you about the first week of breastfeeding and the quite frankly bizarre things they don’t tell you about your lady bits.
But one of the things they really don’t prepare you for is sex after babies, and quite how much things can change.
I’m a big fan of saying things how they are, so I asked some fellow mums to be brutally honest and frank about ways sex can change after having a baby and here’s what they said.
Things they don’t tell you about sex after having a baby
1. Looking at your lady bits the day after giving birth is a bad idea. “Whatever you do, don’t look at your fanny,” says Bella at Documenting The Drews. “I cried so much as I thought it was ruined! Luckily at two months post-partum it was pretty much back to normal, but I still remember the look of that mashed up lasagna I saw that day!”
2. Fanny farts. “I absolutely died when it first happened!” says Jenna at Then There Were Three. “I ended up laughing which caused it to happen again, and I’ve gone red just thinking about it!”
3. The slightest touch can make your boobs spray milk. Everywhere. “It literally shoots across the room,” says Beth at Twinderelmo. “It can make for some seriously messy ‘fun’!”
4. The train no longer pulls into the station. “The funniest thing I ever heard was from my friend after her first who said, with a look of pure horror, ‘the train used to pull into the station but now it’s like the channel tunnel down there!’” says Amy at All About A Mummy.
5. You might need lube. “Especially when breastfeeding, as it can affect how much vaginal fluid you produce,” says Zoe at Lycrawidow. “Just not the tingle lube. That stuff burns more than the first post birth pee!” There are all sorts of other products you can try to help in the bedroom too, like perfumes and sprays containing sex pheromones designed to enhance sexual attraction for both men and women.
6. Stitches can make you tighter. “And that’s not always a good thing!” says Nyomi at Nomipalony.
7. The noise of your belly. “The noise that a flappy deflated belly makes can be really off-putting when in the moment!” says Hollie at Thrifty Mum.
8. The mere thought of actually doing ‘it’ is absolutely terrifying. “God knows how people have kids so close together!” says Emma at The Cheshire Wife.
9. Your deepest fantasy is a weekend sleeping (alone). “I’ve got a four-month-old and this ‘shop’ is shut!” says Lisa at Bare Mother. “I open for VIP’s (very important penises) on those rare days I stop resenting my husband long enough to remember I actually do love him.”
10. The feeling that Big Brother is watching you. Or more specifically, little baby. “There will always be that uneasy feeling that someone’s watching,” says Veronica at My Parenting Journey. “You’re always on the lookout for when the baby cries.”
How about you? Can you relate to any of these? Don’t worry, you don’t have to say which ones!
Don’t look at your fanny! Very nearly choked on my tea. Such a funny and true post! #bloggersbest
Number 9 …. Cannot stop laughing
#dreamteam
haha. I think we waited 5 weeks and all had settled. I remember it actually being a bit tight!! Wasn’t as bad as I expected but these made me laugh. Thanks for sharing with #bloggersbest x
Never ever look at your ladybits…stat! But especially not after birth. I remember feeling a bit like it was the channel tunnel but thankfully it eventually went back to the train station – phew! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo
Hahaha these really made me laugh! We waited a bit longer – I think it was 8 weeks with no hanky panky, but tbh I don’t really remember any scarring moments from it! Absolutely second not looking down there though!!!!!!! #coolmumclub
Thank you for writing this it has made my day, so funny and true. The noise of your belly is a absolute treat
#coolmumsclub
I’m all for body positivity but I couldn’t really look at anything south of my neck after giving birth, it was all a bit of a mess! #kcacols
I’m glad I was never in the habit of looking at my own lady bits anyway! I can definitely relate to most of these! #KCACOLS
A midwife suggested that I look at my lady parts to reassure me that they weren’t a total wreck. I couldn’t bring myself to do it! #KCACOLS
With a 6 week old I can relate to this post soooooooo much! The train has got no where near the station yet! I had my 6 week check on Friday and the Dr mentioned contraception – really? As if leaky boobs, bleeding, a baby in the room and tiredness aren’t enough to put me off, I don’t know what is!
My poor husband #KCACOLS
Oh gosh. I remember the first time I took a mirror down to look at my lady bits after giving birth. It was two or three days later and I was scarred and bruised and swollen. I nearly fainted. Pen x #KCACOLS
Why on earth would you look down there just after having a baby?! We waited a couple months after both mine were born, we were too exhausted before then and thankfully by that point everything was back to normal xx #coolmumclub
loved reading this. Comparing it to looking like mashed up lasagna is spot on and had me laughing out loud #KCACOLS
Aahahahahah. Too funny and so true. #kcacols
From memory I held off intercourse with my partner until 2 ish months. Partly because I was constantly bleeding for about a month post partum and also because I had a 2nd degree tear that required stitches and felt very anxious of it hurting which would make me tense at the thought with fear. #KCACOLS
Posts like this always interest me because this is one of the main areas a lot of your friends don’t talk about with you.
An pretty much relate to most of these lol
#KCACOLS
“Mashed up lasagna!” hilarious but oh so true, I made the mistake of looking after my second baby was born – horrifying!! Thank you for linking up with #KCACOLS and we hope you can join us again next time!
I agree with The Cheshire Wife! How can people have two under two?! Shop is shut for the duration over here!!
#KCACOLS
Ha ha do true. To be honest I just didn’t want sex, it took ages for my hormones to settle down and me to feel like it again. Definitely don’t look down there though. It’s scary. #TwinklyTuesday
Laughing so much at number 4! But yes, I agree with don’t look down there – it’s horrifying. I had to get my other half to keep a close eye on my episiotomy wound because I couldn’t bring myself to inspect it closely for weeks! #TwinklyTuesday
Haha funny! I had stitches after my first and couldn;t bare the thought of it! Eww! Us poor women haha x #kcacols
Haha! This seems like a very long time ago for me, but those first times after giving birth always stick with you!
#KCACOLS
Oh my god the ‘fanny fart’ cringe is real!! Embarrassingly it pretty much happens all the time now and I’m so glad my hubby doesn’t have any plans to leave me just yet! I’d be mortified if it happened with anyone but him it never fails to crack us both up! #KCACOLS
haha! When I was in hospital years ago now, you were in for 5 days for a normal birth! yes, 5 days. And the first day of the Drs rounds he mentioned contraception… yes… nearly punched him! Wouldn’t it be more subtle to sent a female round? And then on the day of going home two came round and said all is fine, didn’t examine me. So I asked, what about my stitches? You didn’t have any. Er, yes, I did, I was there you know. Unfortunately! Honestly! Thankfully I didn’t look below but a great tip is to dry yourself with a hairdryer on low (not high or too close!!) as it’s gentle.
Phantom cries are the worst! When you think that you heard the baby and stop everything you’re doing, not moving a muscle – he’s still trying to carry on and you’re panicking that the baby who is fast asleep in their cot is going to miraculously get out of their cot and walk into your room!