With the 20 week scan out of the way and all looking good, I’m now worrying the baby is going to come early. Too early. I’ve spent the last four months silently praying we make it beyond the next milestone: 8 weeks, when my last two babies died, 10 weeks, when the last miscarriage was actually diagnosed, 12 weeks, when we see whether everything appears to be ok or not, 16 weeks, when apparently the risk of miscarriage dramatically drops, and then 20 weeks, when again we see whether everything appears to be ok or not.
I hadn’t really allowed myself to think beyond the 20 week scan, and now we’re here it’s almost as though my subconscious self is saying ‘you must have something to worry about’ and finds a new anxiety to harbour. Now it’s that the baby will be born too soon. The fact I recently interviewed a mum whose baby was born at 26 weeks hasn’t helped, and nor has supporting friends whose daughter was born at 31 weeks and didn’t make it.
I have no reason to think this will happen to me: BB eventually made her entrance into the world after 42 weeks and would quite happily have stayed put without medical intervention. But of course, there is no rhyme or reason to any of this. Why can’t I just sit back and relax?
I’m now telling myself I will when we get to mid-thirties in terms of weeks, but no doubt I’ll find something else to worry about by then. In the meantime, I could quite happily throttle anyone who says ‘five months already – isn’t time flying!’
It isn’t. They should try living in my shoes for just one day…