It all started when we pulled up at some traffic lights in the car and BB asked what the ‘mountains’ were next to the road. We were next to the cemetery, and the ‘mountains’ were the gravestones.
After exchanging looks with Misery Guts I explained that that was the cemetery where people are buried after they die, and the gravestones are stones to mark where the person is so their family knows. She thought about it for a minute and asked me what the people are doing there, so I said they’re not doing anything because they’re dead, which means they’re not really here anymore.
Then a few days later we were walking home from school and BB asked me what was under the pavement. I said soil, just like on our allotment, and pipes to our houses. She then asked me what people do there and I realised she was referring to the cemetery.
I told her that when they die some people are buried under the ground. ‘But don’t they want to be at home with their children?’ she asked (it hasn’t occurred to her this is something that happens to children too). I told her I expected they did, but when you die it means your heart has stopped beating. She then felt her heart and told me hers was beating, and told me mine was, but then, giggling, that Little B’s wasn’t (I won’t read too much into that).
I was just gearing myself up for the next bit when we arrived home and she bounded up the front steps and was on to the next thing, declaring it was a good job we were home as it had started raining. She hasn’t mentioned it again.
But I know she will, and I know my explanation has been woefully inadequate so far. The trouble is what do you say? How do you tell a child about death? Apart from one of her great grannies, who died when she was nine months old and too young to remember, she hasn’t been faced with it yet.
I want to protect her from ‘real life’ for a long as possible – right now she has no idea that one day we all won’t be here anymore, or of the ways that not being here anymore might come about.
If I could wrap her in cotton wool I would.
Linking up with…
I’m in exactly the same situation at the moment and struggling woefully with explanations like ‘it’s when you go to sleep and never wake up again because you’re very old and/or sick’. We haven’t even gotten to graveyards yet! Three of my parents pets died in the last year and when he asked where they were gone I told him they were gone to live in the sky which proved a very unsatisfying answer and generated some very difficult questions about how, when and why they got up there etc It’s a very very difficult subject to broach with a young child especially when they can’t even comprehend that there was a time when they didn’t exist! Everytime we pass my school or college my little guy still asks who looked after him while I was there!
BB doesn’t understand when she wasn’t born yet either – she always asks where she was in our wedding photos!! I’m going to put the death thing off for as long as possible – l wish she could be innocent forever x
Aw it is so hard to explain and it sounds like you have a bright daughter. My children are 9 and 13 and last year saw our pet budgie dying and then my nan died this year. I remember reading on the internet its best not to say some people just die in there sleep, as they may become frightened of going to bed. Despite me being so nervous in telling my children about their great nan, they actually took the news as well as they could, and I was so proud of them how they handled it. Good luck xx
I remember when my granddad died my granny told me exactly what had happened – how she found him and what he looked like and everything. I was only 7 but I think her honesty was definitely the best policy x
I think this is so hard but I thought about it when you posted this morning and I think I would have said the same – heart stops beating and someone just isn’t there anymore. That’s what my Mum did. It’s a minefield but they are going to ask. I think you did a good job hun 🙂 Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon xx
Thanks for the vote of confidence! Afterwards I thought of all the things I could have said, but didn’t…
I think you answered really well! We haven’t had this yet but I was thinking of making a comparison to before you are born. But your post reminds me that the questions are more likely to be specific concrete ones, and you may well find you can carry on answering them directly and honestly without a prepared script.
I definitely think it’s best to be honest rather than skirt around the issue – otherwise I’ll end up posing more questions than answering and confusing her. Comparing it to before you are born is a good idea x
It’s so hard to explain isn’t it? My 6 year old has almost daily questions about death. I just try to be as honest as possible. I’ve had to explain cemeteries, cremation, funerals… We also have to go through all of the characters in Bedknobs and Broomsticks and discuss which actors are still alive and which are not!
Goodness I’ve got all that to come then – I’m really hoping BB doesn’t mention it again for ages!x
Oh no its so sad isn’t it! I had the moment I’d been waiting for this week…watching Frozen…when my 3 year old daughter asked me why had Anna and Elsas Mummy and Daddy died. Panic struck, and all I could say, super casually was, ‘That just happens sometimes’. I don’t think I scarred her for life, as she didn’t throw herself on the floor screaming! When you have the answer of what I should say, please blog about it, might help me be more prepared next time! #bestandworst xMMT
BB has never mentioned that part in Frozen…hopefully yours won’t think about it again for a while! Will keep you posted on progress!x
Oooh gosh, I really can’t remember if/when this first came up in conversation. What I can tell you is that when my then 10 yo asked how Robin Williams died and I panic-answered “oh I think it was a heart attack, I don’t think they know yet” only for my mum to chime in with “he committed suicide”, THAT was a memorable ‘let’s talk about death” situation!
Crikey rather you than me…that’s a whole different kettle of fish!
I think you handled it really well, gosh, this makes me glad I’ve hopefully got a couple of years at least before having this conversation #bestsndworst
Thank you – I don’t feel like I handled it very well!
My two are fascinated with death but oddly enough don’t seem particularly fazed by it. Earlier in the year we returned from a day out and I discovered our rabbit (who was only months old) had died suddenly and for no reason I could fathom. The boys were sad but were more curious to see her, of course I didn’t let them.
I think how you handle talk about death to a child depends a lot on whether you think there is anything after death. I’m not particularly religious but I do believe there is an afterlife for the soul, so I tell them that I believe we become ghosts and go to heaven where we all meet again one day. I imagine if you’re an atheist who thinks once you’re dead you’re dead, it’s a harder conversation to have.
Yes that’s true – it makes a big difference whether you think there’s anything afterwards or not…x
Such a difficult conversation to have and sounds like you handled it well. I’m quite relieved that I’ve not really had to explain death to my children yet – although I do talk about my dad who died before Jessica was born and we have been to the churchyard where his ashes are interred. We’ve not had any questions about it though – I’ve just said that my dad is in heaven and is not here with us any more. I am sure that one day I will have more questions to answer though. Good luck with answering any further questions on that front from BB and thank you for linking up to #ftmob.
Well, don’t have her watch the first part of Frozen then when both parents die at the same time when their boat goes down! (Or most Disney movies for that matter.) Good ‘ol Disney! This is a tough one. My oldest is 7 & 1/2 and we haven’t gotten too much into the fact that younger people can die too. I am not looking forward to the day when she asks me if her daddy is going to die because she is such a daddy’s girl, or her baby brothers! I on the other hand am chopped liver, I think. lol! But for now, thankfully, no one has died in our family for them to get “the death talk.” My husband’s grandma has come close and she’s 92. Other than that, we watch a lot of nature shows so they are aware of the circle of life that way, and that is how we phrase it. They are aware that animals must die in order for other animals to survive. Both of my kids can watch a nature show where they see an animal getting killed by a predator, but that took some time to get there. But yes, it’s a tough one. We just had a family friend die last year from cancer. She was only 41 and she left a husband and a 2 & 1/2 year old son. I can’t even imagine my children finding out one of us died. So sad!
Stopping by from #ftmob Here’s what I linked up: https://mytalesfromthecrib.blogspot.com/2012/06/did-i-mention-i-wrote-childrens-book.html
It’s funny the difference between humans & animals – I think BB understands about their life & death through TV programmes too…x