Six. That’s how many parenting related injuries I currently have about my person.
They span from my head to my toes and have been inflicted by everything from scooter wheels to teeth. Yes teeth.
They include purple bruises, broken skin and aches in places I didn’t think it was possible to have aches: who knew parenting would be so dangerous?
10 injuries parents get just by being parents
1. Scooter shin. When they swear blind they’ll scoot all the way to the shops but give up within seconds of leaving the house, leaving you to dangle the dratted thing over the handlebars of the buggy. Leaving you with bruises halfway up each shin from the wheels which clunk into you when you walk, no matter how much you try and avoid them.
2. Pushchair toe. When you bump the double buggy with one child on the top and one child on the bottom down a flight of steps wearing a pair of Birkenstocks. It currently takes at least three coats of polish to hide my latest shiner (I ought to add it to my list of signs your feet have been Birkenstocked).
3. Humpers back. Due to humping car seats/pushchairs/bikes/insert item here in and out of cars/doors/garages/insert location here.
4. Car seat hip. The inevitable side effect of humpers back, there’s no avoiding it if you’ve got to carry a baby around in a car seat (although these tips might help).
5. Parental strain injury. Not to be confused with humpers back, parental strain injury occurs by passing the baby from one arm to the other in a vain attempt to pacify.
6. Pincher’s legs. They’re not called ankle biters for nothing: when they pull themselves up using your legs and sink their teeth and finger nails in on the way up. Ouch.
7. Poker’s eye. Who knew one single poke is enough to give you a black eye? Been there, done it and got the T-shirt.
8. Chewing gum boob. The curse of the breastfeeding mama, when they turn their head to look at something – taking you with them.
9. Bags under the eyes. Not technically an injury you say? They’re the result of night-time battles fought and lost, which makes them injuries in my book. As seen on all parents, everywhere.
10. Bunk bed head. You vow you won’t do it again, but it’s an occupational hazard when you’ve got a child on a bottom bunk and you’re tucking them in at night.
How many of these parenting injuries have you fallen foul of? Are there any I haven’t mentioned? I’d love to hear what they are!